8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?