Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed

TRUMP: What op-ed?

EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

😂😂

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.