8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Breaking news:
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.