[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
You Might Also Like
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn