8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh