8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
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[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.