8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
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I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
#JohnTravolta
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
blocked.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.