Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.

I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

[god inventing humans]

angel: what does it do

god: creates, loves, invents…

angel: awesome

god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character

angel: wtf

god: it also makes quiche

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

I hope they boil the right one.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes