8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.