8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
So inspired right now.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.