8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.