8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.