8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
sliding into dms like
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.