8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
You are not alone 💚
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
peep davidson
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
mom had nothing to worry about
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account