Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

Tremendous stuff

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty