8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
You Might Also Like
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
A short story of betrayal:
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
doing some research
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*