8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
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Them: You should try keto
Me:
There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Why am I like this?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol