Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain