8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
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The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat