Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

The Others (2001)

My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over

My husband not so much so

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*

Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*

4yo: *Starts telling it again*

Me: *Dies*

You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.

*Unfrenches your fries*

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂

I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!

Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!

the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?