8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
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My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
😅😅😅
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Me My dog
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.