8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
the official breakfast of 2021
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
#JohnTravolta
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
our love story in four pictures
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.