8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’m Sold!
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My work here is don’t.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner