8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music