8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
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i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
real
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators