Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.