8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife![]()
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… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]