8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD