8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
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I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references