8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
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FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.