8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?