8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
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The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My wife gives the best headache.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??