8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.