Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

Have donuts and coffee, will travel.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

Creative Problem Solving

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?

Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.