Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

This is sending me to another galaxy

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

We’ve all been there

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️