Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.

What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.