8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.