8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework