Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

surgeon: this man has a broken leg

horse surgeon intern: oh no

surgeon: which we can easily fix

horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”

me as soon as i see the dogs:

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.

*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”