Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you corporation very cool

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

I need a vacation.

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert

ready to be harvested

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind