8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
🤣could you imagine
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains