@Cpin42

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

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@tastefactory

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

@DurtMcHurtt

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

@omgthatspunny

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calender? They each got 6 months.

@ndiquote

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

@Reverend_Scott

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”