8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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Never forget.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.