Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?

Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.

Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry

he looks great for his age

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

her: babe!

me: wait, I want to word this tweet right

her: BABE!!

me: and send… what was the question?

minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming