Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

genie: you have 3 wishes

cat: i want to go out

genie: ok

cat: and back in again

genie: done

cat: and back out again

genie: ffs

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.