Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.

Also the dumbest.

1st base: kissing

2nd base: petting

base 10: freaky math stuff

Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.

Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.

Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.

Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.