8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Herpes is trending, good job people
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*