Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

[cannibal restaurant]

server: hi, who’ll you have?

cannibal: just bring me the Bill

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then