8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
He instantly became one of the bros
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.