Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

her: I’m leaving you

me: because I like scooby doo?

her: you’re obsessed

me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Eggs benadryl my favourite

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?