Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

My Sentiments Exactly

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂