Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
You Might Also Like
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
☠️☠️☠️
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.