Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Let’s Go

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog