8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You Might Also Like
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm