8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
drew a comic about my origin story
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.