Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

I am all good here, 😂😉

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

hey, alexa

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.