8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..