Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.

DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.