Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

I ate everything, including the H.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

When I laugh on my period

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.