Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

My chiropractor is a crack addict.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.