Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip for my good boys out there

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

ㅤ

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

At least my masseuse has my back.

Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?