Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Me too, bag. Me too….

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

MY BODY: You should exercise

ME: That sounds good

MY BODY: Because it’s heathy

ME: Yeah!

MY BODY: And makes you feel good

ME: Definitely!

MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!

ME: I’m lost

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Nomnomnomnom