Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

gentlemen, hear me out

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

he’ll never suspect a thing

I am thick and tired. 🙄

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts