8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
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You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.