Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Midwest trash talk

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”

– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.

Saying it, is just words.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

😁

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry

Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.