8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.