Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.