Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.

I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.

I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up