Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”

How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.