Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

welp

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

dentist: when did you last floss?

me: just last week

dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true

me: sorry, i meant yesterday

dentist: what?

me: i mean i’m flossing right now

dentist:

me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount

if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Hmmmmmmm….

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET