Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

we’re gonna need another temp

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?

Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?

Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole

seashell: [holding me to its ear]

me: [making city noises]