Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”

– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace