Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Jokes on them. I took 10.

I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?