Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.

My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?