Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist