8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My dad.
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
The photographer’s assistant
My work here is don’t.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
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I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement